Self-Development Knowledge Base

consent (sexual)

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Sexual consent is a seriously-charged topic of discussion, which combines interpersonal sexual relationships with social & cultural perspectives, and location-specific legal boundaries.

This article does not cover legal boundaries at all, so do your own research. Above all do not misread this as "BROJO said 'x' is OK." Use your own brain - your behavior is your own responsibility.

However, this article offers an overview of the concept of consent, and key perspectives that will help you determine whether you are behaving in a reasonable, masculine fasion.

Sexual consent describes one's approval, whether implicit or explicit, to participate in a sexual activity.

Understanding Consent

 

The viral video "Tea and Consent" is a cheeky, British way of discussing consent, but has very useful fundamental guidelines.

Overall, BROJO conceives these at three essential basics...

  1. She must be able to say NO
  2. She must be comfortable to say NO
  3. You must respect a NO

She must be able to say NO

This obviously means that she must be conscious, as Tea and Consent makes clear. "Don't make them drink the tea." If you've missed that memo, someone seriously needs to set you straight.

However it also means that whe must be sober enough to be clearly and consciously aware of what she is doing and who she is with.

She must be comfortable to say NO

It is also crucial that she feel safe & comfortable to say NO, in every way-

  1. Physically safe to say NO, with zero physical threat.
  2. Socially safe to say NO, with no judgement or severe social repercussions. 
  3. Consequence-free to say NO. This is why sexual harrassmant in the workplace is fraught with danger- if a woman feels her job might be at stake, that's huge pressure that affects her freedom to say NO.

Always give her a a safe, comfortable exit. Let her be there completely by choice. Make certain she feels safe at all times with you, as your first objective. Right behind that is expressing your sexual attraction- but her assured safety is always your first priority.

Emotional empathy is a very useful skill here, detecting emotional discomfort or uncertainty. However at any moment you are not sure how she feels, or whether she's comfortable, simply ask - "Is this OK?"

You must respect a NO

"No" means "Not yet," and you MUST respect that.

  1. Simply stop.
  2. Give her space to consider what's happening, and how she feels about it. For many women, sex is a highly emotional experience, which can create a lot of anxiety. She's processing a lot of feelings and thoughts here, so give her time.
  3. Make sure she's free to leave. If she chooses to stay, then you can continue building the relationship, and invite her to deepen sexual connection again later.
  4. Simply accept the NO as a NOT YET, and have absolutely zero negative reaction to her NO.
  5. Don't ask "why," it's easily misunderstood as a challenge to her NO, and she often cannot answer. She's still processing her emotions and feelings, and her sense of whether she trusts you and how that balances with her attraction to you. She can't explain that in words.