Avoidants believe that a feeling of closeness is threatening.

Many of them believe that closeness is going to lead to loss — either the loss of a person (they’re gonna leave you), or the loss of your own personal freedom and autonomy (you’re gonna lose yourself).

This can come from lots of different angles, but generally it comes from trauma related to close relationships during childhood.

Usually, it’s family — sometimes friends.

This is where the people who were closest to you hurt you in some way, and you developed, in your childlike mind, a theory:

“Closeness = pain.”

Whereas the people who were further out — acquaintances, strangers — they never seemed to do much damage.

So that felt safer, more palatable.

“It’s better if people just kind of keep their distance. I’m safer that way.”

In my own example, I kept changing schools when I was younger. I went to like three different schools in my first two years of schooling, so it was really hard for me to make friends.

Even when I finally did make a friend, that connection was taken away from me instantly.

I had this repeating theme throughout my life — my best friend being taken away.

I’d put all this effort into finally making a friend, only to have it wiped off the board completely, and I’d be moved to a whole new place.

Even later, when I went to high school, my best friend went to a different school.

Again and again — connection, then loss.

To dive deeper into this topic, check out the original video here:

https://youtu.be/wgHnTq_JlRE

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