If you’ve ever felt like you’re doing everything right socially—being kind, agreeable, helpful, considerate—and yet somehow ending up more anxious, less confident, disconnected, and quietly resentful, this video is for you.

This is part two of the Nice Guy Recovery series, and in it I go deep into approval and validation seeking: what it actually is, where it comes from, and why it wrecks your confidence, your relationships, and your sense of self—often without you even realizing it.

One of the biggest problems I see - after coaching people pleasers for over a decade - is that they’re running on an internal “operating system” they didn’t consciously choose. It was conditioned early, reinforced thousands of times, and it now runs automatically in the background.

Its core rule is simple: avoid discomfort, avoid conflict, avoid disapproval. Everything else flows from that.

Once you’re operating from that place, your decision-making becomes incredibly limited. You’re no longer asking, “What do I want?” or “What do I believe?”

You’re asking, “How do I get them to like me?” or “How do I stop them being upset?” From there, you either chase validation or avoid disapproval—two sides of the same coin.

That’s where the performance starts. You hide flaws. You highlight strengths (real or exaggerated). You adapt yourself to whoever you’re with. You become pleasant, agreeable, funny, easy to be around.

And for a while, it sort of works. People smile. They say you’re a good guy. You get occasional approval hits. But over time, something darker builds underneath: resentment, self-doubt, anxiety, and a creeping sense that you don’t really trust yourself.

In the video, I explain why this system doesn’t just fail to give you what you want—it actively backfires. It destroys your confidence because you never back yourself. You’re always reacting, never leading.

And it kills attraction—not just romantic attraction, but the deeper respect and interest that makes real relationships possible. People may like you, but they don’t feel you. They don’t know you. They don’t connect with you.

I also contrast this approval-based operating system with a completely different way of living: integrity. Living by values instead of reactions. Acting boldly instead of managing outcomes. Being willing to lose approval rather than lose yourself. That shift is uncomfortable, risky, and confronting—but it’s also the only way out of the loop.

And I share a real story of a man whose marriage slowly collapsed the harder he tried to be a “good husband,” and how his breakthrough didn’t come from trying harder, but from stopping the performance altogether. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s honest—and it shows exactly why doubling down on niceness is often the problem, not the solution.

If any part of this sounds familiar—if you’ve felt stuck, invisible, resentful, or quietly exhausted from managing everyone else’s emotions—this video will help you see why that’s happening, and why more effort won’t fix it.

👉 Watch the full video if you’re ready to understand the system you’ve been running on… and why breaking it is the first step toward real confidence.

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