In my mind, I was the fucking hero. I was the good guy.

I didn’t feel like I was being manipulative — it wasn’t some conscious plan I was following.

The story in my head was: “I’m the good guy in the story. I’m the fucking hero. I’m noble. I’m doing what everyone should do.”

My mind constantly told me I was being valuable — that by helping people and making them feel good, I was a good person.

I couldn’t see that I was really driven by deep insecurities, toxic shame — a pathetic desire to control everyone due to a deep-seated fear of abandonment and not being good enough.

I felt that no one would ever want me or love me unless I made myself indispensable. Unless they needed me.

I got panicky at the idea of people not needing me in their life.

I needed to be needed — and that was the primary motive.

I wasn’t trying to help them.

I was trying to get my own needs met.

It wasn’t until I started rehabilitating criminal offenders that I came to see the truth — If you really want to help people, you have to encourage them to suffer.

You have to encourage them to take responsibility for their decisions — which often means guilt.

You have to encourage them to see that they are the cause of their results — which often means frustration and self-loathing.

It’s incredibly uncomfortable to make positive changes, because there’s always a crisis that comes with it — a psychological crisis.

You have to watch them fail — and not get in the way.
You let them fail.

You have to confront them, even though it makes them really upset.
You have to endure all their aggressive or defensive reactions.

To dive deeper into this topic, check out the original video here:

https://youtu.be/qNdkj-0WT00

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