June 24, 2019
Which Brojo course does this reflection apply to?
Overcoming Sexual Shame
What are the main insights you had about yourself in doing this course?
Some were covered in my call with Dan last Sept and I won't repeat them. I would also say that sexual shame led me to actual degradation immediately before my breakdown: I phoned my most asexual female friend, said I loved her and immediately urinated on my bed, something I have always interpteted as a consequence of forgoing my sexuality (ok then, it IS just for pissing). My main insights now are that I have repressed it for three main reasons: 1) to protect myself from letting girls and women down (this is mother/childhood/shyness related). 2) to protect myself from envy of less able and attractive men. 3) and most importantly, because this kicks in even when 1 and 2 don't: to protect myself from envy, hostility and possible confrontation with regard to "alpha" types who want to put me and keep me in a particular box and neutralise any threat. (This is very definitely father related) Looking back I have always been conscious of at least one of these things when over-riding my own desire/need to make the most of an opportunity.
What actions did you take and how did you feel during those experiences?
I wrote a lot on days 1-2 about the development of shame around sex and how this is at odds with my current (liberal, healthy) beliefs, most of which Dan has already heard or read. I felt exasperated at going over this ground again but it was cathartic. I was in total alignment on day 3 with regard to the effects of suffering on my current life and again wrote a lot. Still there is some residual sense of "it can't be that important that it causes all this", but then again I want to SHOUT that it really IS. I looked back at the ED video that Dan did, which I have praised before. I have done more non-sexual touching recently and feel comfortable.
What is the one main thing you want to remember from this course and keep applying to your life?
That it is ok to behave in line with your actual values around sex and destructive to bury them so deeply that it causes severe mental distress over time.
What can you do to ensure that what you learned from this course continues to improve your life?
To reassure myself that my social and sexual instincts are almost always accurate and I should not have so much doubt around them that I seek external validation. For example the 'bumping' thing discussed on day 7: I have always thought this was a sign but because no-one TOLD me any of this as a young man I have second-guessed myself out of responding (there are other examples, and in one typical case I have even stopped myself when a woman has been grinding her arse into my groin). I know why this is: because as a young man I felt pigeonholed as too shy or "socially inept" to inspire these feelings in women, and even after working hard to become more outgoing felt that I would still disappoint through inexperience/clumsiness. This course, especially Day 4 and looking back at Dan's ED video/the sexual shame call, reassured me that (as I have been told by several women) none of this matters anything like as much as a man and woman who are into each other and have a connection.
What was your favourite part of the course?
Days 1-3 were very helpful in clarifying thoughts and also cathartic. However I think Day 4 (depressurising) was the most helpful and relevant to me from a practical point of view.
Which part of the course did you find the most difficult, confusing or unhelpful?
None, but the least helpful part was Day 5 (verbal expression). This is only because I have such a quick brain and way with words (which have been praised by women often enough for it to sink in!) that this is the aspect of sexual communication that comes most naturally when I am not over-riding my own desires/needs for the reasons given above. One last illustration to share with you: about 3 months before my full breakdown I went to see a female sex therapist and was in tears of anguish at my own inaction/missing opportunities. She said "You clearly have the wit and the presence. You actually come across like the male equivalent of a prick-teaser." It comes down to ability not being used, feeling like the physical can never match up to the mental/intellectual.
Overall, how do you rate this course?
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